Why Does He Do That?

A couple weeks ago, I talked about how not blaming anyone else for how you feel will take your relationships to a whole new level.

You’ll feel more connected, you will be able to communicate better, and people will want to listen to what you have to say because they won’t feel like they’re being blamed for how you’re feeling.

I got some questions about exactly what this looks like in your day to day world. So here are some examples from my life and some of my clients.

I really like the kitchen countertops clean. And my husband LOVES toast in the morning and sandwiches for lunch. Well you can see where there could be an instant conflict.

After we were married and started living together, I found myself almost daily wiping up the kitchen counter from his morning toast and sandwich making. After a few days of this I told him that I really have a thing about the countertops being cleaned. I told him, this is your kitchen too, and you’re not responsible for how crumbs on the counter top makes me feel, I just wanted to let you know.

(I had already implemented a no blame policy in my life).

He apologized, though I said no apology was necessary, he didn’t know it bothered me. From that day on he often cleaned up the crumbs, and on top of that he started wiping down his bathroom sink after shaving etc. because he figured if the kitchen bothered me so would the bathroom counter tops.

Does he always wipe down the counter? No, he’s human he forgets. And I always give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s doing the best he can.

That’s it. Not blaming is about taking 100% responsibility for how you feel. It’s never because of what someone else does or doesn’t do.

How does it feel to make someone else responsible for how you feel?

Does it make you feel powerless or powerful?

Now, think of a time with a partner or friend where you got really upset about what they did. What would’ve happened, how would you have felt, if you instead of blaming them for how you felt, you stopped and thought to yourself, what do I need to do to be ok with this?

And this is not for being abused in any way, this is for the everyday stuff.

Your spouse comes home late, and forgets to call.

What can you do for yourself, so this feels ok?

What would that conversation be like?

How much better would you feel?

Are you tired of being a puppet to others behaviors? What if all the fatigue you feel is because of trying to control your circumstances?